I Hate You, I Hate Me: On Weaponizing and Refriending Barney
The one about being judgy and purple dinosaurs.
When you are in 1st grade, the absolute WORST thing you can be accused of is being a baby. Your reputation simply cannot afford to be associated with anything even remotely babyish which, when I was in 1st grade in the early 90s, included watching the TV show Barney. Barney was, without a doubt, for babies. NOT for mature, sophisticated 1st graders.
Seeing as how I was, indeed, NOT a baby, my anti-Barney credentials were clear, firm, and unimpeachable. I regularly participated in speculation about which kids probably still watched Barney. I endorsed and supported the Barney-is-for-Babies propaganda zealously, never hesitating to mercilessly accuse any kid who wronged me of being a Barney Lover.
Unbeknownst to my classmates, I harbored a shameful secret. A closeted baby was in their midst: I was a Barney Lover.
I was able to propagate my deceit thanks to a fortunate circumstance; I moved the summer before 1st grade and was new to the school. My peers were completely unaware of the fact that, just the year before, I had a Barney-themed birthday party. That I owned a Barney raincoat and rain boots. That I treasured my stuffed Barney doll. And, most shamefully of all—that I still watched the show.
Devastated about the incontrovertible fact that Barney was for babies, I saw no other option than to hide my secret, occasionally deflecting suspicion onto other kids as a cover.
There’s a lot we could unpack about that situation: the difficulties of peer pressure, what makes something cool vs. uncool, the dynamics of bullying, how my 1st grade self clearly would have been a snitch in Nazi Germany, the phases of growing up, how awesome Barney is. But I want to focus on this: how we judge others for the things we feel ashamed of ourselves.
Hating in Others the Things We Hate About Ourselves
Dr. Phil often shares that his dad liked to say “There’s something I don’t like about myself in that guy.” Ugh, so true. I went around accusing other kids of doing something that I was guilty of myself. This is a classic response to shame. You see this when someone with a drinking problem points out someone else’s out-of-control drinking, when men harboring gay feelings go all in on homophobia, and when kids bully other kids for being weak or weird. We hate others for the things we hate about ourselves. Gosh, we are silly monkeys.
According to Brené Brown’s research, the things we’re judgmental about are directly tied to where we feel shame. We prop up our fragile egos, in relation to the areas we struggle with, by spotting people who are doing worse than us in those areas and smiting them with our self-righteous judgments. This is often a futile attempt to distance ourselves from being associated with that “bad” thing. We categorically refuse to accept their flaws as a proxy for our inability to accept those things in ourselves. The net impact is that we can’t bully other people without simultaneously bullying ourselves.
As a kid, my shame toward enjoying “baby activities” turned me into a Barney Lover witch-hunter. As an adult, it’s often channeled into reality TV. Low brow dating reality shows, where people in their 20s fail to demonstrate basic communication and conflict management skills, make me feel better about my own relationship-skill inadequacies. The smuggest, most holier-than-though monkey version of myself gets to come out and sit in judgement of people marrying strangers or 20 women trying to date 1 man. I’m especially hard on any show participant that demonstrates my worst qualities—controlling, critical, cold.
If you don’t feel shame in an area, you’re not very likely to judge people in it. I don’t get any satisfaction from watching the show Hoarders because I don’t struggle with hoarding tendencies. Someone neat and organized like me is more apt to get their jollies from a show about people being TOO clean, as long as they feel some self-judgement about that habit (which clean people usually do not—hence, there are not many shows about being super clean).
Gain Insight into Yourself Through Your Reactions to Others
In a way, this tendency to react to specific qualities in others is a roundabout way of collecting feedback about ourselves. A surge of anger, contempt, or disgust toward someone else can act as a signal that we have some feelings about ourselves that we need to reckon with. Kevin Kelly put it like this: “A great way to understand yourself is to seriously reflect on everything you find irritating in others.” Nice reframe!
We get an empty ego boost when we judge others, but what if we could get something more valuable? Instead of being swept up in the self-righteous satisfaction of spotting someone else’s shortcomings, or—once we’re more self-aware and humble—judging ourselves for judging other people, we can instead stop and self-reflect. Am I guilty of doing the thing I’m criticizing someone for? What does my reaction tell me about myself? Is there some part of me that I’ve shunned as unacceptable? Do I have some shame in this area?
What’s kind of cool about this self-referential tendency to feel a reaction when we see people display things that are unresolved in us, is that it goes both ways. We aren’t just noticing the negatives in other people; we also notice the positives. Which means that if you admire a quality someone has, then you also have that quality (or the potential for it) in yourself. The people we’re drawn to exhibit behaviors that we like about ourselves, behaviors we’ve deemed desirable. So we can also see the good in other people as the good in ourselves.
Loosening Judgement’s Grip
The goal over time is to be more accepting of ourselves, and therefore others. We can loosen our negative associations with “bad qualities” and also take the “good qualities” off a pedestal—recognizing that what goes in each category is in the eye of the beholder, and what’s good vs. bad often isn’t as black and white as it may seem in 1st grade. It is not a fact that Barney is for babies. I had nothing to be ashamed of for liking him. And I had no good reason to pick on other kids. Shame is a tricky character though, distorting our view and bringing out our worst tendencies, needlessly spreading misery in its wake. What Barney-loving qualities are you erroneously ashamed of? And is there room to play with your Barney doll from time to time?
Experiment: Using our reactions toward others as a catalyst for self-reflection
What insights can you glean about yourself, and how you relate to your “good” and “bad qualities,” based on your reactions to others?
STEP 1: PAY ATTENTION
Notice your reactions to others.
- What qualities grind your gears?
- What qualities do you admire?
- What brings out your most judgmental self?
- Do you bristle at people doing things you don’t give yourself permission to do?
- What narratives do you have in your head about how a person “should” and “shouldn’t” behave?
STEP 2: GET CURIOUS
Reflect on what your reactions mean.
- Are your judgments facts?
- How do you also embody the qualities that you like or don’t like in other people?
- Do you have qualities that you try to shut off because you find them undesirable?
- Are you clear on the qualities that you find admirable, that you want to cultivate more of in yourself?
- Are the attributes you think of as “bad” really so terrible?
- If you were to do any of the things you feel critical toward others for, what are the consequences you fear? Would you still be worthy? Would you still deserve love? What’s the worst that could happen?
- What positives could come out of these “bad” qualities?
- When you shame/criticize/judge others in to being a certain way, what need are you trying to meet?
- Are some of your scripts about how a person “should” or “shouldn’t” be outdated or silly?
STEP 3: GET CREATIVE
Shame doesn’t need to control us. Our judgments are data, not commandments. We can rewire our thought patterns to be a little kinder to ourselves and others.
- In what areas can you be a little kinder to yourself and others?
- How can you harness your judging-energy into something productive?
- When your shame or judgments aren’t appropriate, how can you put them in perspective or let them go?
- Could you rebel against your stringent inner judge? (Think of the classic teenager response to a parent nagging them about a dirty room—at least I’m not out smoking meth!)
- Could you personify your “judging self” and “shaming self” and treat them like slightly irritating, but well intended, friends?
- Are there ways you can increase your compassion skills or practice empathy to redirect your tendency to judge?
If you want more ideas on how to deal with shame and judgment, Brené Brown is the go-to guru. She has tons of interviews, books, videos, articles, and podcasts on those topics.
Let us know what you learn about yourself in the comments!
Comments